the individual, the society, and the closet

I grew up re-reading Narnia.

 

The story of a girl

who climbs into a daunting wardrobe

and finds a new, ancient world.

 

I would lay upside down

off the edge of a Blues Clues mattress

musing about how wonderful it would be

to be trapped in a closet that held a whole world-

invisible to the outside.

 

One part that I really loved

is when Lucy climbs out of that wardrobe for a moment

and is rambling- desperate to prove the validity

of the world behind closed doors to doubting siblings.

 

They do not believe her.

 

She tells them about her journey-

what she felt, the way she was treated,

the moments when she thought she was so lost

that she would never find her way back to them-

that she would be trapped in that closet’s harsh, eternal winter.

 

Now, when I reread Narnia,

I get kind of shaky at that part

because they do not believe her

until they become a part of the world.

 

I look at the closets in my life.

I do not want to have to open doors to make people believe what is behind them.

 

Through the lens of an anonymous narrator,

we wonder which world is real

and if one has to be broken for the other to thrive.

 

Lucy worries about keeping Narnia safe.

She tells herself that, as long as nobody sees Narnia,

as long as it stays a secret,

it will stay safe.

 

That’s what we tend to kid ourselves about safety and safe spaces…

that safety is the same as invisibility.

 

We are safe if we are untouchable,

if we traverse worlds

closet to closet,

if we shadow ourselves-

trying the world on for size over and over

because we already know we are not a good fit.

 

The war, the winter-

We do not call it danger

so long as it stays in the closet.

 

Lucy never stops believing in Narnia.

She does not quit on saving

this closet world that she never meant

to be a part of.

 

I grew up re-reading Narnia.

 

The story of a girl

who climbs into a daunting wardrobe

and finds a new, ancient world.

 

I lay on my carpet, searching the ceiling

for ways to feel differently,

musing about how wonderful it would be

to hang lights and open closet doors-

visible to the outside.